Become Self-Aware

To succeed at helping our loved ones navigate and survive this thing called life, we must ask ourselves the following:

• Are we leading by example? Or is our message to “do as I say, not as I do”?
• Are we quick to scold and judge, before allowing a full thought or emotion to be expressed?
• Are we only hearing, instead of listening to what is and isn’t being said?
• Are we sympathetic? Are we able to sincerely express a feeling of sorrow for someone else’s pain?
• Are we empathetic? Are we able to understand someone else’s feelings as if they were our own?

Start Talking!

• If you, or someone you know, are feeling overwhelmed with the obstacles of life and want to speak confidentially, take the first step with LOL Disaster Recovery Coaching.  

• For immediate help, contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 800-273-8255, the Lifeline (suicidepreventionlifeline.org) or any community resource hotline.

Prevention requires being proactive. In an effort to avoid reaching a place of deep depression and/or hopelessness, make time for self-care by partnering with a Life Coach. Problems and obstacles (what LOL calls the lemons of life) tend to feel heavier when carried alone. I am available to help you carry the lemons and I’m confident that together we can create some lemonade for your brighter future.

Life is worth living and YOU deserve to Live Life on Your Terms!

Amongst my family and friends, I am known for saying “I’d rather spend a few minutes having an uncomfortable conversation than to go on believing false assumptions.” I literally apply this to all aspects of my life whether the conversation is with family, friends, in my relationships or business.

Temporary discomfort can be necessary for securing a comfortable future with the ones you love. I encourage you to pause and make the time to have uncomfortable conversations! Silence is not the best approach for preventing suicide.

The phrase “Eyes Wide Shut” means a person refuses to see something in plain view, because of preconceived notions of what this something should look like.

I believe we are all subconsciously guilty of living with our eyes wide shut. Afterall, there is hardly enough time in a day to complete a fraction of the things on our own to-do list – right?! Most of us commit to focusing on ourselves and to respect others privacy and decisions for their own lives. In addition, even though we know everything that glitters isn’t gold, we tend to navigate life with our family and friends on the assumption that “they know they can talk to me, if something is wrong or if they just need someone to listen.”

Now think back to the line from my husband’s note – “I know I should have said something, but I didn’t.”

He is not the only person to commit suicide without talking to someone. We must stop the assumptions.

You may be familiar with the phrase “it takes a village”, in regard to raising children. Well in regard to prevention, I believe this phrase should be applicable through all phases of life because suicide effects individuals of all ages, families, and communities. Therefore, it takes a village to maintain a healthy tree of life.

Brace yourself as you assess the following stats from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the World Health Organization (WHO), and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) for the U.S. in 2020:

• Suicide was the 10th leading cause of death.
• Approx. 48,344 people died by suicide.
• Approx. 1.4 million people attempted suicide.
• Approx. 132 people died by suicide daily (an average of 1 death every 11 minutes).
• Men died by suicide 3.6 times more than women; accounting for approx. 79%.
• Women were 1.4 times more likely to attempt suicide.

In addition, the increasing rate of suicide among adolescents and young adults ages 10-24, has been described as a nationwide mental health crisis. From 2007 to 2018 the rate increased by 57.4%. For those who believe that children are our future, this stat should definitely make you gasp.

I initiated a separation from my husband in September 2010, because of various stressors that seemed never-ending. He moved in with a relative and I adjusted to being a single parent again with my son (from my first marriage). We kept in contact over the following eight months; but never spoke about next steps for our marriage.  Well – not until Sunday, June 5, 2011 when he called to wish me a happy anniversary and jokingly suggested that I had forgotten. With the same joking energy, I refreshed his memory of the travels to Jamaica for our nuptials and explained he was a day early…our seventh anniversary was June 6th.  Despite it being almost 10 years, his voice still resounds clearly in my head as he inquired about the future of our marriage.  I replied that I did not know; but neither of us had filed for divorce so that obviously meant we were not ready to make a decision. I explained that we each had room for improvement and needed to work on being happy with ourselves – otherwise, we would not be good for nor happy with each other. I had no cause for concern at the end of our call. I anticipated revisiting the decision another day.

During the afternoon of Wednesday, June 8^th I received the news of my husband being found deceased. I did not get details during the initial call, because I was overwhelmed with shock and rushed off the phone. My mind processed the news in a way which led me to think he was the victim of a crime.  I instantly thought “oh my goodness, he must have been in the wrong place at the wrong time…who, how, and why?”  The subsequent calls and details provided answers, while steering my mind and life to a place unimaginable.

• Who?
  • My husband was the cause of his passing. He committed suicide.
• How?
  • On Tuesday, June 7^th he left his relatives home and checked into a hotel for one night. He was seen that evening returning to his hotel room with food. Sometime during the morning of Wednesday, June 8^th he hung himself in the closet of that room.
• Why?
  • He left a note apologizing for what he had done; but it did not specify “why”.  A line read “I know I should have said something, but I didn’t.”

Later that evening, with my stomach in knots, I recalled two prior conversations over the years in which my husband made reference to giving up.  My mind then went on what I refer to as “an emotional rollercoaster ride”…from heights of sadness, to jerks of anger, to plunges of blame, into spirals of confusion. I experienced that ride several times a week for months and one thing was constant – ACCEPTANCE. I had no choice but to ACCEPT the reality that my husband no longer wanted to live, regardless of him not saying “why.” Over time I created my own answer to start my healing – he was trapped in the strongest and darkest form of hopelessness.  I also had to ACCEPT that we, as his family and friends, did not pause long enough in our day-to-day routines to recognize the risks, signs, and to listen.

Self-care is defined as the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.

Regardless of what’s on your to-do list, nothing matters if you’re not taking care of yourself. What’s your self-care strategy?!

LOL believes that life balance is vital for Living Life on Your Terms. Therefore, in order to accomplish current and future goals, you should always be aware of your stress, pace, priorities, and boundaries in life.  To start self-assessing, ask yourself the following:

• Stress – On a scale of 1 to 10, where is your stress level right now? When was the last time your stress level was lower? What has changed since then?
• Pace – What would your ideal pace look like for a day or week?
• Priorities – How well does the way you spend your time and money align with your heart?
• Boundaries – What need or drive in you are people taking advantage of when you want to say “No” but they get you to say “Yes”?

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